The Difference between Men & Women in Broken Relationships

Bobbye and I asked a friend of ours to be interviewed on our daily radio show. Her name is Donna Scott and she is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Today she came to our office for the recordings. Even though we know Donna, her kindness and sensitivity to share in her clients’ pain and then to wisely and calmly provide counsel to those in broken relationships amaze us. God is using her and mightily moving through her to repair broken hearts and mend broken relationships.

On a side bar conversation, I asked her what the biggest difference is between men and women when struggling in their relationship? Her answer may surprise you…

“When people come in to get healing help for relationship wounds, I notice a difference between the types of injuries found in men versus women in their moments of brokenness. As I counsel men, they generally tend to intellectualize their pain through interpreting life events. They typically sense that no matter what they do, it is not ‘good enough.‘ These feelings frequently create a sense of helplessness and futility. Unfortunately, it is usually manifested as anger or indifference to their partner. Women, on the other hand, are likely to experience their emotional hurt as ‘I’m not worth fighting for.’ This hurt results in lowering her sense of worth and security in the relationship. Her pain is sometimes displayed as anger or nagging. Neither understand that they actually have the same need in common; It is the longing to love and be loved by the one who matters most.”

We all want to be loved. We may not be very good at communicating how we want to be loved and we might not be very good at explaining why we are acting out or withdrawing but the bottom answer is the same.. to be loved. “For God so loved…” and because “God first loved us” we can love. I am certainly thankful our relationship with God is based on His love.

Donna Scott’s contact information is http://www.DonnaScottTherapist.com or (619) 500-4653. Calling her may be your first step in learning how to express love and how to receive love from God, others and yourself.

Thank you Donna for sharing your heart with us today and loving others through God’s gift of counseling.

The National Network of Youth Ministries

Tonilee and I have had the privilege over the past several years to work with and assist numerous organizations in the areas of marketing, business development, social media and branding. Non Profits, especially ministries, have one major common cause…serving the Lord through serving others. After spending some quality time with the executive leadership team at the National Network of Youth Ministries, their levels and networks of service are nothing short of phenomenal. But, you or the average person may not be aware of just how much they have done over the years and how many youth ministries they have either influenced or helped start. You may not even know who they are. It’s time.

Here is a snippet of what I discovered about the National Network of Youth Ministries

  • Is the longest running youth ministry network in the country, founded in 1981
  • Created the platform, modeled internationally by youth networks existing today
  • Works with and serves over 750 Youth Leader Networks throughout the United States
  • Has cultivated National and Regional Partnerships with hundreds of denominations and ministry organizations
  • Was Instrumental in launching “See You at the Pole” on a National and Global Level with over 1 Million youth participating
  • Is an ongoing Catalysts/Sponsors for National Conferences representing numerous youth initiatives
  • Convened the original meeting for the Youth Missions Network
  • Created http://www.MentorYouth.com, recruiting mentors for America’s youth, in collaboration with the US Department of Justice
  • Founded “Campus Alliance” –Every Student Every School
  • Host Annual Meeting for Youth Ministry Executive Council (YMAC)
  • Are Active Partners with the Youth Commission of the World Evangelical Alliance
  • Are Youth Ministry Representatives for the National Association of Evangelicals and the Mission America Coalition

Our youth workers, leaders, students, parents, and communities across the United States need to know about the National Network of Youth Ministries and how to support them. Personally, I’ve never met such humble, giving men and women who would rather remain in the background, behind the scenes than boasts about their accomplishments. So, I am going to boast on their behalf and encourage you to check them out. They need our support and prayers to keep up their global mission of connecting youth leaders through the most integrated and interactive networking platform that exist today in youth ministry. That’s NNYM…learn more about them, get involved and reach out in support. Visit www.YouthWorkers.net for more information.

Authored by Bobbye Brooks

Life After Death

My friend’s husband passed away a few months ago. My friend has now found herself with a new identity of becoming a widow. The Lord asks us to take care of widows and orphans frequently in the Bible so I do feel an added obligation to listen intently and meet their needs.

My friend was talking out loud. There were times of definite grief in her words and then she would try to gain some strength to make plans. I was driving so it was easy to remain quiet as she cycled through these out loud thoughts until she said something that immediately broke my silence.

Her words, “Well, I am 53 and getting older. It’s ok to be a widow. I do not have much longer to live either. I will just be around for my kids until it’s my time to join him.”

I turned my head towards her and said, “You could have another 35 strong years! Age is not a factor in treating cancer or having heart surgery.  My husband did heart surgery on a patient who was 98 years old and the patient did fine. Age is not a factor in determining what you can and cannot do!”

God called Moses into full-time, hard-core ministry at 80 and then He called Joshua at the same age. Who are we to say that we have reached an age to maintain status quo?  Until the Lord returns or we literally go to Him, there is work on this earth to do, discover and explore.

I told my friend, “You need to get into an exercise class, take up a hobby, volunteer at something that fills your heart, become involved with a mission that focuses your prayers. Move, shift gears, be willing to change.”

If we want to admit it or not, there are certain circumstances in life that causes change. We need to embrace the change in honor of the Lord. Keep the faith and push forward.

I think that is why Jesus told us that the death of a spouse frees the remaining spouse. It is much easier to take on the loved-one’s death than to live without the loved-one.

As a former ICU nurse, I have had to deal with life and death issues a lot. Despite our belief system, all of us struggle with sickness, disease, stress disorders, aging bodies and eventually death.  We pray for healing to the day we die because it brings rays of hope. Let’s make every day count instead of counting down every day. Let’s live our lives to the fullest, giving God the glory for the fullest of His faithfulness in giving us one more day. The term “life after death” is true in many aspects.

Friendship takes time & effort…

Today, we spoke at Hope Chapel on Friendship. We love speaking to their women! Debra and Corina run the women’s ministry and they are wonderful. Both have a heart for helping women. This time, we addressed the three keys to friendship. Most women are very social but truly have difficulty with maintaining meaningful friendships.

Social Media has changed how we define “friends.” Facebook allows us to be friends with someone we have never met and we now can post something without ever engaging with those we tell. Texting has hindered us from speaking in full sentences and really sharing from the heart. We can have a lot of friends but not really know anybody. We can have a lot of friends and be completely alone.

My son’s RA told me about a college student who was so uncomfortable with engaging in a conversation that she would text her roommate who was sitting in the same room. The irony was that this gal was a Communications major. Wow, that says a lot!

Bobbye and I shared real life illustrations from our own friendship. We met 11 years ago and now we run 4 companies together. Our motto has been “It ain’t easy.” Today, the feedback was wonderful as many of women told us that they could relate and appreciated our honesty and vulnerability. We do not ever get comfortable with being uncomfortable as we share our own inadequacies with a group of strangers.  

God values friendships. There are not many married couples as role models in the New Testament. The leaders were the disciples that went out two by two (ie. Peter and John/Barnabbas and Saul) and the women are together in the faith also. Their commitment to Christ and then to each other are the key components that spread the Gospel.

Jesus now calls us Friends. As we become His friend, we learn how to become friendly towards others. Friendship takes time and effort but Friendship gives a lot more than it takes.

Tonilee Adamson

A club or a church?

Yesterday, I was talking with a woman who was explaining to me why she left a certain church. She basically felt like she could not bring others to her church because they would be judged for their appearance and lifestyle. She felt like her church was more like a club than a church. If she did not feel comfortable bringing a seeker to that church, then she felt she needed to change churches.

I hear this kind of complaint a lot. It is as if people are asking for their church to represent the Love of Christ but not the Laws of Christianity. Are some churches more like clubs today? Clubs attract likeminded people: people to be a certain way, live a certain way, act a certain way and pay their bill.

I used to frequently go to a tennis club during my high school years. I was not a member but a guest. However, I do remember that one of my peers was a member who broke his foot. After a while, he felt uncomfortable hanging out at the club because his injury prevented him from doing club events. It is funny to think that a nonmember would be more comfortable than a paying member. Christians sometimes feel the same way. If you are hurting, struggling, actively sinning or sense a lack of victory, you might feel like you do not belong for a season.

Just know that we are saved not because of our righteousness but because of Christ extending His righteousness to us. Jesus welcomed failures and those who were honest about their shortcomings. Jesus accepted all types, at all places. Who did He reject?

Even if you are in that season right now, remember that the Lord never leaves you or forsakes you. Just because people might disappoint you, the Lord knows and understands. Continue to turn to Him. Get your eyes off of others and on to Him. Only He can heal you and save you from yourself.

As for the church club thing, it is nice to sense the feeling of belonging. There is nothing wrong with being with likeminded people. If you do not feel welcomed at a certain church, the issues might not be the church but that it is time for you to make a change. God is not limited to places, times or events. Go where He leads and brings others with you…

Do Not Judge!

My children have attended a Christian school from preschool until present. My oldest is now in a secular college and doing just fine. When I think back to my high school years, I used to say that I would not send my children to a Christian school because I basically did not like the attitudes of my peers who attended the Christian school. In general, they seemed to be content with the culture of Christianity instead of having a real relationship with the Lord. They seemed to look to each other for their convictions instead of looking and asking the Lord. They acted a lot like my children and their friends today who attend Christian school.
I have had plenty of years to think about this…especially during reenrollment each year. I think the cultural thing does have more to do with being a second generation Christian. While reading Deuteronomy 11:2, Moses said, “Remember today that your children were not the ones who saw and experienced the discipline of the LORD your God: his majesty, his mighty hand, his outstretched arm…” First generation Christians experience a different revelation from the Lord as they know the difference between their life of bondage and God’s outstretch arm to save them personally from it. The first generation Christian has habits, thoughts and patterns to still overcome as they are too familiar with the ways of the world and now changed by the Lord. The second generation Christian tends to be more refined in behavior and seems to act more in line with good Christian behavior.
From God’s point of view, He looks at the heart. We tend to judge by mere appearance and attitudes and lifestyle choices. We have to remember that God honors the man who cannot lift his head to heaven because of the guilt and shame over the self-made religious man who is thankful that he is not the other man. It all comes down to humility in heart. The Lord does not ask us to humble ourselves before man but before Him. That humility starts with salvation and continues through the sanctification process. Repentance remains for the rest of our lives. Repentance is not a one-time thing. I really believe that we will be surprised when we see who God allowed into heaven and I am very thankful that I am not in a position to judge!

Busyness in His Business

The more I look around, the more I discover that people are struggling. When there is no margin in our lives, we have no ability to cope with broken cars, crying kids or sick pets. We are crying for more time, better organizational skills and support but if we miraculously had the ability to schedule spare time, how would we fill it?

I really believe that people like to be busy. Busyness looks like productivity and it makes us feel needed. But I also believe when we get to the point of accepting God as sovereign, we make time for Him to move in everything and to move us to serve Him anywhere.  Keeping Him in perspective gives us the perspective to be absolutely productive and useful in our margin-less lives. It is not about the crises anymore but about how the Lord can move through them to give each thing purpose.

Personally, I do not want extra time on my hands. When I find myself maxed out, I pray. When I find myself too tired to think, I pray. When I find myself too full from dinner to move, I pray. Prayer gives me the cushion I need to get a Sovereign perspective. When I need encouragement, I purposely schedule in Bible reading. Only the Word of God gives me the encouragement to keep going. (Romans 15:4)

The rationalizations, justifications and excuses keep us from growing, developing and making a difference. I want a blessed life. No, I want an abundantly blessed life. But I want that blessed life to be defined by the Lord.  Basically I want more of the Lord in every aspect of life, regardless of how He wants to use me and for whom.

Our Media Company is growing like crazy and I have people ask me all the time, how do you do it all? If I was not doing all of this, I would certainly be busy with something else but I have learned that I want to be where the Lord is blessing…He is choosing to bless this.  I have spent prior days being busy doing shopping, laundry, vacation planning and house decorating.  I noticed in that season of life, I spent my energy in the things that were a continued extension of me. I love my family so to be busy with their things kept me loving and serving the things I already love. I do not need to be spirit led or depend on the Lord to love those who love me back.  (And, realistically, I always make time to do these things because they naturally have my heart). However, adding a responsibility that helps to serve those outside my heart’s desire has allowed me to grow and love in a completely different way.

God is sovereign. He can do what He wants and He can bless whom He wants. Regardless of what others think I need to be doing or who they want me to be, I choose to follow the Lord. Allowing the Lord to have free reign in my overly scheduled day has given me a peace and a joy that has truly bless me. It really did come by reprioritizing the busyness.  “Busyness in His Business.” We can remain busy but are we really about His business or our own?

Difficult People

Oh I had a terrible meeting today. It was with a person who continually has her needs on her mind. I understand that we all have ourselves on our minds more than we should, however, it becomes a problem when we demand others to meet those needs. How can anyone fill a bottomless, black pit in the heart of another? We might be able to recognize the problem but it is not as easy to define the boundaries to be confident in the stand we may have to make in the relationship. We have trouble discerning where the fine line is drawn between laying your life down for another versus becoming a victim of codependency.  If we look at the example Jesus set for us, we find that He never enabled sin or sickness. The huge difference between us and Jesus is our own selfishness mixed with a lack of discernment.

Praying for wisdom, knowledge and discernment definitely is a primary key to all relationships.  I have also learned to consistently be honest, be truthful and be real. When it is all said and done, I still live with me and I am stuck with my own thoughts. Stability comes with clear convictions and unwavering emotions. To overcome difficult people, situations and circumstances, I have to be OK with me regardless of others words, behaviors or choices.

We all stand before the Lord for our own words, behaviors and choices. When we come to understand that God has eyes that see everything we do and ears that overhear all that we say, we learn to have more self control in our relationships with others.

Every morning we pray for empowerment while every night we ask for forgiveness. In between, we work out our salvation with fear and trembling living in the confidence and strength of the Lord. It all sounds very confusing and unsettling. I guess that is why dependency on the Lord in all things is our primary objective to live in peace with ourselves. Jesus said it best,

“In the world you will have tribulation; be of good cheer, I have overcome the world” and that world includes the difficult people you meet every day.