The Difference between Men & Women in Broken Relationships

Bobbye and I asked a friend of ours to be interviewed on our daily radio show. Her name is Donna Scott and she is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Today she came to our office for the recordings. Even though we know Donna, her kindness and sensitivity to share in her clients’ pain and then to wisely and calmly provide counsel to those in broken relationships amaze us. God is using her and mightily moving through her to repair broken hearts and mend broken relationships.

On a side bar conversation, I asked her what the biggest difference is between men and women when struggling in their relationship? Her answer may surprise you…

“When people come in to get healing help for relationship wounds, I notice a difference between the types of injuries found in men versus women in their moments of brokenness. As I counsel men, they generally tend to intellectualize their pain through interpreting life events. They typically sense that no matter what they do, it is not ‘good enough.‘ These feelings frequently create a sense of helplessness and futility. Unfortunately, it is usually manifested as anger or indifference to their partner. Women, on the other hand, are likely to experience their emotional hurt as ‘I’m not worth fighting for.’ This hurt results in lowering her sense of worth and security in the relationship. Her pain is sometimes displayed as anger or nagging. Neither understand that they actually have the same need in common; It is the longing to love and be loved by the one who matters most.”

We all want to be loved. We may not be very good at communicating how we want to be loved and we might not be very good at explaining why we are acting out or withdrawing but the bottom answer is the same.. to be loved. “For God so loved…” and because “God first loved us” we can love. I am certainly thankful our relationship with God is based on His love.

Donna Scott’s contact information is or (619) 500-4653. Calling her may be your first step in learning how to express love and how to receive love from God, others and yourself.

Thank you Donna for sharing your heart with us today and loving others through God’s gift of counseling.

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“What’s the Point?”

Last night, Bobbye and I had the Power of Friendship Volunteer meeting and then we went straight into Bible study. Sometimes we teach together and sometimes we teach apart. I had a message prepared for Joshua 3 but knew during the homework question and answer time that the message was more for me than for the group. So during testimonial time, I passed Bobbye a note and said, “I have nothing to say.”

Bobbye is a great friend and after doing radio side by side for years now, she understands the implications of such a “last minute, on the spot” note. Bobbye will need to pick up the ball and go with it. After all these years, we have learned some fundamental prinicipals about our gifts and calling. She is clearly a motivational speaker who can teach and I am a indepth teacher who can motivate. But even though I can teach, I will not until I know what the Lord wants me to teach. At this point in the study–LIVE-, I had nothing to say.

Bobbye began teaching Joshua Chapter 3. She did an amazing job as she spoke on obstacles. Everything she said helped me tremendously and I knew that I needed to learn from her. Probably 20 minutes into her explanation, I knew what I needed to teach. The message became very clear and I had an outline in my mind that did start with Joshua and would circle back to Joshua.

So as a group we go from Joshual 3 to Isaiah 43:1-2 to Romans 11 to Isaiah 43:3-5 back to Joshua 3:7-10. When we turned to Romans, Bobbye whispered to me on the front of the stage, “What’s your point?” Even after 12 years of hearing comments like that from her to me and me to her, I still felt the blood drain from my face. Have you ever felt that way? In the middle of stepping out, someone you respect asks you to “get to the point” or even worse “do you have a point?”

Well, when I was done, she got it which did not as nearly concern me as being obedient to step out in teaching because of the Lord . Praise God, the fruit was evident immediately. And right now I just received a text from Rosalynda that said, ” WOW, amazing teaching. I just had the revelation that we (Christians) have become like  Israel, so it was awesome confirmation.”

Sometimes you have to go with the prompting of the Spirit within you. Sometimes you have to be obedient to the Lord regardless of the comments or challenges of people you love, respect and/or honor deeply within your heart.

Be encouraged. Keep stepping out. God knows the thoughts, intents and motives of your heart. It will be ok…

Tonilee Adamson

Signs of the Times

I can still remember sermons from 1979 when I first came to Christ.  The Book of Revelation seemed like a Twilight  Zone episode as I heard Pastor Chuck Smith teach on the mark of the beast. He quoted from Revelation  13:16-17 referring to the antichrist,   “He also forced everyone, small and great, rich and poor, free and slave, to receive a mark on his right hand or on his forehead, so that no one could buy or sell unless he had the mark, which is the name of the beast or the number of his name.”  (NIV84)

He said that the mark of the beast would probably be like a small computer chip that would be placed under the skin of the hand or on the forehead. This chip would be the key to all sorts of buying and selling.

To embrace Pastor Chuck’s teaching at the time seemed like an act of faith. Today, we know that it is more like a fact. We already have seen commercials of these computer chips being placed in our pets or even our family members who suffer from Alzheimer’s disease. The chips are programmed to assist in finding  your lost pet or loved one. It is a wonderful invention.  This system makes sense as it also brings us a worldly peace of mind.  Although this new capability is not tied up with the antichrist at this present time, we can see the conditioning of adapting such a system or new way of life.  It moves our world to a cashless society as well as the convenience of having your belongings be a part of you. No more identity theft or the hassle of many credit cards and papers.

So what are we to do? Revolt, Rebel, Reject Change??? I don’t think so. My friend who has a down syndrome child is seriously considering purchasing this chip for her child who frequently escapes from the home regardless of the extent of locks and security.  Would any person today advice her against this? Is it wrong? Tell you the truth, I had to pray about it.

The antichrist is not in the public light as we know of yet so the chips are individually purchased through a variety of individual companies. Presently these chips are not a part of a One World Government. The stage is being set obviously.  However, according to God, that is the plan and the way of the future. God’s ways will be accomplished as well as His words fulfilled.

In summary, times are changing rapidly through technology.  We are not to be in fear of the change but to be looking for the return of  Christ and use the technology He has allowed to spread the word as He is our answer. He is our Hope and we do not need to be afraid.

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Yes, that’s right. It is starting in 10 minutes. Please email us at if you would like the link. The topic is “The 7 Deadly Sins” and week 1 today is The Proud Look.

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Life After Death

My friend’s husband passed away a few months ago. My friend has now found herself with a new identity of becoming a widow. The Lord asks us to take care of widows and orphans frequently in the Bible so I do feel an added obligation to listen intently and meet their needs.

My friend was talking out loud. There were times of definite grief in her words and then she would try to gain some strength to make plans. I was driving so it was easy to remain quiet as she cycled through these out loud thoughts until she said something that immediately broke my silence.

Her words, “Well, I am 53 and getting older. It’s ok to be a widow. I do not have much longer to live either. I will just be around for my kids until it’s my time to join him.”

I turned my head towards her and said, “You could have another 35 strong years! Age is not a factor in treating cancer or having heart surgery.  My husband did heart surgery on a patient who was 98 years old and the patient did fine. Age is not a factor in determining what you can and cannot do!”

God called Moses into full-time, hard-core ministry at 80 and then He called Joshua at the same age. Who are we to say that we have reached an age to maintain status quo?  Until the Lord returns or we literally go to Him, there is work on this earth to do, discover and explore.

I told my friend, “You need to get into an exercise class, take up a hobby, volunteer at something that fills your heart, become involved with a mission that focuses your prayers. Move, shift gears, be willing to change.”

If we want to admit it or not, there are certain circumstances in life that causes change. We need to embrace the change in honor of the Lord. Keep the faith and push forward.

I think that is why Jesus told us that the death of a spouse frees the remaining spouse. It is much easier to take on the loved-one’s death than to live without the loved-one.

As a former ICU nurse, I have had to deal with life and death issues a lot. Despite our belief system, all of us struggle with sickness, disease, stress disorders, aging bodies and eventually death.  We pray for healing to the day we die because it brings rays of hope. Let’s make every day count instead of counting down every day. Let’s live our lives to the fullest, giving God the glory for the fullest of His faithfulness in giving us one more day. The term “life after death” is true in many aspects.

Caution: My Opinion Might Offend Christians

I have waited a week before writing my personal insights into last weekend’s event that we hosted, “Real Issues-Real Answers” or as some preferred to call it, “The 4 Deadly D’s”. In case you have not heard of it, we (Bobbye & Tonilee) held a one-day event just for women. The goal was to bring hope, encouragement and an opportunity for help in one or more of the following areas: Debt, Death, Divorce and Depression. We invited experts in the specific fields including financial advisors, certified counselors, therapists, debt management specialists and a Christian family practice law office. Various other resources were also available onsite including our ministry team, a group of Godly women who have served alongside us at many women’s events and Bible studies. The number one goal: offer HOPE to hurting women; not just the right or righteous answers, but real, honest, open, and maybe not so righteous answers. The second goal: offer this event to women who may not know the Lord personally; in other words, make it an outreach to the community. Ah…the second goal seemed so simple, yet has shown itself not so simple at all. Why? Because some of us Christians really do not understand what an outreach to the “world” actually looks like.

Dare I say that some of our Christian friends just could not understand how we could host an event and not say that the answer is always…”Jesus is all you need.” You see, this event was not about the Christian-ese, pat answers to all of life’s problems, such as “just pray harder,” “have more faith,” or “join a small group.” This event was about real life issues that quite frankly do not fall into perfect lines of Christian doctrine. How many of us have tried to righteously work out our problems and still wonder where God is? Why not be honest from the start? Why not go out and try to help people first and then tell them that there is a God who loves them? Why not be an example of the love of Christ, instead of the one preaching about love, yet condemning your brothers and sisters? Who are we kidding as Christians? Where is our true witness in the world? My opinion…we only want to witness within the comforts of our own churches, groups or circles. And, what effect does that have? We all make each other feel good. We are supposed to edify the Body of Christ, so that we can go out and be a light in this dark world. We had Christians at this event who thought we should have been more “Christian-ese”…I think we offended some of them. We had some Christians who sat on the sidelines while the room had women in it who did not know the Lord, but we were the ones expected to preach from the platform.

The event itself was hugely successful and the women who came have more than expressed their appreciation. There are requests for future events that started almost immediately. Why? Because we need HOPE. We need encouragement. We need HELP. Jesus came and He fed the hungry, healed the sick and set the captives free…then, He offered them everlasting life. That is our heart in doing this type of event on the 4 D’s and we will continue to pray that we can help make a difference in the lives of hurting women…and ultimately lead them to the everlasting answer in Jesus Christ.


God Got Divorced

Our Real Issues Real Answers Event was last Saturday. Every single response card came back positive. Yet, despite all the advertising, the event caught people off guard. Common words on the response cards were “thank you for being so honest” and “I appreciated hearing from women dealing with real life.” Our objective was definitely accomplished.

The topic that brought the most conversation and awakening was “divorce.”  We did not talk about marriage. We spoke on divorce. Many times in a Christian event, the emphasis is on marriage. Not this time. There are too many of us who are divorced, were divorced or contemplating a divorce. We can hear sermons all day long on why to stay in a marriage so we addressed divorce.

I heard a common statement after the divorce talk as women said, “I am standing for my marriage.”  In other words, regardless of how the relationship is or the choices of their husbands, these women took a stand to remain committed to their marriage. Well, that is great when two people decide to make a commitment to do that.  But I couldn’t believe the stories that I heard about women standing for their marriage when their husbands have left them years ago. One woman told me with tears in her eyes that she was “standing for her marriage” to a man who left her years ago and he has remarried and now has other children.  I looked at her and said, “That’s delusional. That is total bondage.” When is enough…enough. At what point do we get a clue and move on in our lives. Aren’t there other things to pray about and cry over that God will bless than the things that God is not blessing?

In 1 Corinthians 7:15-16, Paul tells us that if the unbeliever leaves you, let him go. Why? Because Paul continues to say that God has called us to peace. If someone leaves you, he suddenly does not believe in you or your marital commitment you both made before man, the State and God. Move on, especially if he is remarried. Be set free. There is liberty with the Lord.

If marriage was that spiritual in nature, why would the Lord tell us that we are freed to marry someone else if our present spouse dies? (Romans 7:3) Marriage is bound on earth. There is no eternal ramification associated with marriage. Jesus told us that we will be like the angels in heaven. (Matthew 22:30)

I don’t understand why we won’t allow the dead to bury the dead. We are carrying around dead relationships and expecting God to resurrect them. He did not promise to resurrect circumstances, titles, marital status or relationships; He promised to be faithful to You as a person for eternity. God is not going to ask you, “What have you done with your marriage?” You stand before God some day alone.

In marriage, there are two wills. God does not hold you responsible for your husband’s will or ways. Our prayers cannot control any other person and our scripture verses cannot control God. How are you living for Him personally and individually?  We are wasting precious time by having an earthly perspective and not an eternal Kingdom perspective. It is time to be forgiven, set free and time to walk in the liberty that the Lord has promised you…on earth as it is in heaven.

Let me tell you… God never answered one of my prayers for my marriage but He answered multiple other prayers that I was praying at the same time. No one was more submissive, prayerful, honoring, respectful and willing to be obedient to the Lord and to my husband than me in that marriage. I was convinced that a miracle would happen because I prayed the right prayers and quoted the right verses. I was convinced that a miracle would happen because God answered all of my other prayers. I prayed for people to get saved, they got saved. I prayed for promotions I did not deserve, I got the promotions. I prayed for resolution in conflicts. Guess what? Resolved the next day. I prayed for my husband to want to eat dinner with me…. Nope!  Nada, Zilch. When my husband left me, God was not surprised which is why I believe He never gave me one promise or answered one prayer.

God loves You. He hates divorce because of what it does to the people involved and knows all about it because He got a divorce (Jeremiah 3:8).  Did you know that God wrote His people a certificate of divorce when they turned their backs on Him? If God did not change the heart of His beloved (the nation, Israel), why do we think that God will heal all our marriages?   He understands your hurt and He knows your pain. God knows you by name and He wants to be your first love and the lover of your soul. Are you willing to lay down your desires and be about God’s desire? He came to set the captives free. You are no longer in bondage. Get out, lift your eyes up and see your God reaching out to you. He is willing to help you get through this. Are you willing to let it go?

Please…if you are reading this blog and know of someone making these kinds of choices, please support them. They are going through a lot and need your encouragement and your kindness to get them through. God has blessed us all! Let’s start living like we believe it.


Suicide: Not an Option

In two days, we are having our Real Issues – Real Answers Event. We had trouble knowing how to describe it. Is it a seminar or a workshop or an event?  We knew it was not a conference. Our conferences are intended to empower the women to go the next step, regardless of where they are presently. This event is more about helping the woman get out of bed in the morning. Our desire is to encourage the women attending and to let them know there is hope for their todays and tomorrows.

I keep thinking that for some of these women, it might be the only time in a long time that they talked to someone else or had the energy to meet a stranger. We had to really consider the type of music, the videos, and the personalities of the speakers for each topic as we do not want to drag anyone lower than they already feel.

But in all the praying and planning, there has been one area I did not expect the Lord to go out of His way to highlight to me.  It is not light or cheery or even hopeful. I told the staff that I was going to write a blog on it and they laughed and said, “Can you make it light?”  NO… why? because the topic is suicide.

From our radio show to our speakers and two friends who do not know each other, all have brought up the topic of suicide. Each of them has been personally affected by it lately. I was the listening ear to some of them as they tried to put in words their guilt and confusion in their present circumstance.

In each conversation though, I noticed a very similar trait: the selfishness of suicide. That was the hardest thing to hear or accept. It is much easier to concentrate on the sickness of the person who committed the suicide than the selfishness of the decision. My concern is not so much about enabling the suicide victim because that person was very sick who could take their life into their own hands. But my greater concern is for the living family members who try to rationalize or justify the action. Why? Because it seems like those justifications leave the door open for themselves to follow down that path too. When suicide has been an option in a family, you start seeing that the other family members think about it as an option too. If that door to your mind is not closed down, others look at it as a viable option. I believe that is why the Catholic church and so many other faiths preach that suicide is unforgiveable. Jesus didn’t say that but Christian culture does.  As a result, no one talks about it and it is kept secret which makes it a quiet and very deadly (no pun intended) option.

Jesus is into life and having it abundantly. He is also into light and exposing darkness and dark thoughts. Demons flee like cockroaches when the light is turned on. This weekend at Real Issues-Real Answers, we are going to turn the light on to help women be set free. It is time to be released from the bondage of bad habits and patterns as well as poor role models.

We are looking forward to meeting a whole bunch of new friends who are coming because they want help or they want to help. God is good and we plan on having a really good day. If you can’t come, we would appreciate your prayers.         Saturday, August 22 from 9-5    –TL

Preparing for August 22nd

As we are preparing for the upcoming “Real Issues Real Answers” event on August 22nd, I have been more acutely aware of the Deadly D’s that we will be discussing than ever before.  One of the D’s is death and I have been personally touched by death this 

summer, as my most precious Buddy died on July 1st. He was diagnosed with 

cancer on June 5th and the prognosis by this point was terminal. As with pets and sickness, we as owners must take on responsibilities that test us in difficult ways. For me, I had to know when to end Buddy’s life. 

I had to make a decision that would take him away from me, all because I loved him too much to see him suffer. His cancer had spread throughout his body and though I wanted to keep him as long as I could, I also knew that I could not stand to see him suffer in pain. Death has impacted me greatly and his absence has been deafening at times. By God’s grace, I have grown stronger each day and I know that the Lord has plans beyond what I can see. This is the hope and encouragement that I personally bring to others. In death, there is resurrection and life. Jesus promises us that He is the Resurrection and the Life.

Buddy 1


  << (Buddy and his classic “Elvis Impression”)






Another “D” that has impacted me personally is “debt.” I have dealt with financial issues in so many ways this past year, including with my family. My sister has struggled greatly this summer and we have talked and prayed regularly about her situation. My mother lost most of her retirement when the market collapsed and is moving into a subsidized retirement community. On and on it goes but again, I find strength in God’s grace. I find hope in places that I cannot always understand. I have seen the Lord’s faithfulness in all of these situations and I know that He has a plan. I look forward to much more than what I see today.

Does all of this sound Depressing…another Deadly D that will be discussed at the event on August 22nd? Most of us recognize the symptoms of depression but how many of us really talk about it honestly?  I know that for myself, it is not easy to just share that openly but it is comforting when I hear others share their struggles, as we are comforted together. I feel very strongly about this event because I believe we, as women, need each other and need to be able to share openly together. Somehow, there is healing in being able to come together and feel safe in an environment that cares, not condemns. Where are those places today? I hope we can provide those opportunities more and more in the future. HOPE is what we all need.